The Goateed One

Derren Brown is a mysterious man with an even more mysterious beard to match. He can often be found loitering around street corners of London late at night asking any pretty girl who cares to gaze into his hypnotic eyes if she wants to stroke his goatee.

When he is not scaring the living daylights out of badly dressed art students, sticking self-adhesive pads to his head in a vain attempt to experience some American's dream, or trying to shoot himself in the head, he like to paints (and no prizes for guessing) slightly freaky portraits of celebrities.

Derren hasn't sold his soul to the Devil, as he would have you believe, instead he has sold it to Channel Four (well, leased until 2007) and has to date made three series, three one-off specials and has been touring with his sell-out theatre show for three years which had a stint in the West End last year and is set to do so again this year. Do all things come in threes? Pah, next you'll be telling me he can read my mind!

Derren used to live with his two beloved Conure parrots, but Figaro took a strong dislike to Derren and started a hate campaign against him after he saw Derren looking at DIY taxidermy on the Internet and realised he would be the next addition to Derren's collection. They now - the parrots, not Derren - reside in a parrot sanctuary (it's actually an institution for deranged parrots) in Skegness where you can visit them, along with their 620 other birdie friends. And no, there will be no jokes about Neil and his seed.

And if you ever have the good fortune to meet the Goateed One, under no circumstances must you let him challenge you to a staring match (unless of course you wish to be turned into a putrefying amphibian). Nor must you allow him to say "I've been working on this computer game. You want to try it?"

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